Back in October 2010 I listened to a talk by Todd Nighswonger of the Cornerstone Church. The talk was on trying to find God' will in our lives. He stressed the importance of just focusing our search on seeking the heart of God instead of what we think His will may be in our lives. To support this he described a conversation he had with a captain in the Australian Navy. The captain described the treacherous typhoons they often deal with while sailing in the India ocean. Todd asked the captain "what do you do in the middle of such storms?" The captain explained how most of the young seamen try to beat the storm. They fight the currents and strong winds struggling to try to find their way to the shore. He went on to explain that the greatest captains shut off their engines, wait and let the storm take them to shore. Wow...in the middle of a Typhoon the best option is to turn your engine off and ride it out?
I started to document my life post graduating and at the time I didn't realize I was in the middle of my own storm. I left off with an argument with my aunt in Alabama. I apologized and got the opportunity to travel with her and my cousin to San Francisco. The trip was awesome I got to know them better and see many great sights. After returning to Alabama I kept busy job searching and the family.
November:
~The Dark Clouds Rolling In~
At about 8:30, I heard the phone ring in the other room. Usually about this time my mom would called to check in and chat with my aunt. I waited to hear my aunt's laughter but instead things grew very quiet. I tried to ignore the silence when I heard my aunt knock on the door to come in to my room. She told me my mother had what they thought was a stroke and that we needed to get back to VA as soon as possible. My heart sank and hot tears began to flow. I prayed and I prayed, God what's going on? Just let me get there please just let me get there. Our flight was set for 6:00 am. In the car on the way to the airport my father called me he let me know that my mom was unresponsive, unable to move or speak. I could hear his tears and at once I felt my own. God just let me get there. Is this it? After a few agonizing hours and one layover my sister texted me to tell me that mommy was starting to come to she was reaching for them and saying I love you. Thank you God! I'm trusting you I'm almost there.
When I got to the hospital I finally saw her. She was weak and her words were all scrambled. At the time I wasn't sure if she knew who I was but I hugged her and told her I loved her over and over again.
She spent time at the hospital and was later released. We were informed that she did in fact have a seizure. Her seizure was the result of swelling in her head from a number of tumors located there.
~Hard Rain, Thunder, and Lightning~
The next 2 months were perhaps the worst of the storm. My mother was the orchestrator of the house hold. She knew everything about each one of us. She handled the bills in her our little system and still found time to decorate and cook beautiful meals. After this stroke it all stopped. Her memory was gone. My family and I spent hours and hours trying to dsecipher her pass codes and schedules. With everything array the household was burdened with heavy stress and tension. Our mother was weak and getting weaker as time passed. The stress gave way to arguments and dissension. (looking back those "issues" never mattered)
Personally, I was thinking of my future on top of caring for my mother. Student loan people were beginning to call, I was still trying to secure a full time job while still wondering if I wanted to pursue graduate school.
Fear and uncertainty seemed to take over and consume us. Until February...
~The Eye of the Storm~
I was offered a full time job at a law firm and my mother was so proud of me. She had become so weak by this point she was not able to walk anymore. February and March seemed to flow gently. We had finally figured out mommy's system and caught up with what we could. We were laughing together again and had a new routine caring for mommy and handling our business. My aunts, uncle and a few of my mother's friends were there to help and I appreciated everything. They would cook and help us clean. It was as if things were getting better. I felt like things were getting better...
~The Rest of the Hurricane~
April was different. Mommy was the weakest I've ever seen her. Very lethargic and solemn. One day it hit me this may be worse than I thought. I know this is something dumb to think. But. I never thought it was this..bad...She never complained. I always thought she would get better....The way she moved and managed I never thought she'd..I just didn't.
My father cared and served he with every once of energy he had. He slept on the couch across from her hospital bed every night and got up for work the next day to come home and do it all again. April 21st, Mommy was given the medicine she usually takes. It usually makes her very sleepy. I came home from work around five to find her in a deep, deep sleep state. I have never seen her sleep like this befor. Daddy said the medicine makes her sleep and we're going to wait just a bit longer to see if she comes out of it like usual. Hours past and the state remained. 4 am the next morning April 22, we called the ambulance. They were able to stabilize her and my brother, sister and I were about to hear the words we had been wondering this entire time. My mother's doctor, with tears in his eyes, told us that this was the end. That she will not recover. He suggested we take her home and continue to love and care for her.
I prayed for her. I prayed every moment for her. God I know what the doctor said but this can't be it. I know she's in pain. I know she can't tell us how much it hurts but I need her. I need her here with me.
On Wednesday April 27 around 4 my father texted me while I was still at work. "Its time to come home" I immediately packed my things and made my way home. I cried the entire drive. I cried out to God for something, anything but what I think it is.
My Mother passed on April 27, 2011 at 7:41 PM surrounded by everyone who loved her.
~Peace after the Storm~
I found it strange the peace I felt after my mother passed. I thought about what it looked like to grieve and if I was doing it "right." I started to fear the peace and comfort the Holy Spirit allowed me to feel to the point where I don't think I was feeling anything. The truth is, I think about my mother everyday. I miss everything about her but I am at peace with the fact that she is now with God. No more pain, fear, or suffering. These days are difficult but God is sustaining us. There are so many feelings and revelations from this time in my life and I am thankful for the growth that's here and the growth that's coming.My relationship withGod is beginning to pick up again. It was difficult (and I believe you will never "get over" loosing your parent) but the clouds are beginning to clear and I'm starting to see the shore.
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