This is the continuation of the Post Grad Series. Just as a prologue to this section, my mother has been battle cancer for the past seven years. It began as breast cancer and over time has metastasized to her brain. At this particular time during this section she has been through chemotherapy and radiation on numerous occasions. In the midst of the chemo and radiation she also underwent surgery. There have been seizures and moments where she has become ill to the point of debilitation. Though this entire situation has been difficult for her and our family, God has kept her and he continues to heal her every day.


Little things were starting to irk me. I was noticing comments that seem to insinuate that I was sent to Alabama to be taught how to be a real “grown up.” Comments such as “you get it now, that how you should be thinking.” I felt that there were lingering feeling concerning my disagreement and a consensus among my family member to help set things straight. Maybe I was paranoid. I knew that there was never any real closure in that disagreement and I was becoming annoyed.

9/12/10

It was made clear to my (all that you had been saying all along) when I got into it with my Aunt about my Mom and all the drama that had occurred before I left. She talked about how I’ve changed and how I am self-centered, immature and focused more so, on my friends than family. She also expressed to me that she doesn’t think really I understand what cancer is or the magnitude the effects this disease carries. I was infuriated by her comments, and as the argument increased and quickly found myself overtaken by my emotions. All at once I was disappointed, angry, confused, and hurt. In my words, my emotion poured out accompanied by burning tears and attempts to catch my breath. I felt that in my hysteria I wasn’t being heard. Wait…Correction. Not that I wasn’t being heard but it felt as though my Aunt wasn’t really listening to me let alone understanding all that I was saying. In the midst of my frustration in trying to be understood, I heard your voice. It was tender and still very firm and clear. I heard your voice in the middle of my shouting: “How else am I going to respond when my mother is calling me names, belittling, and isolating me?!” You said softly, “With love.” “How can I communicate with you or with her when all I’m getting is cutting words and ridicule?” Again you said, “Amanda, with love.” I heard you but so much of me want to continue in my anger. Thinking about what you said and in the middle of my reading Hosea, where I see how even though your people rejected you, you met them with gentle and forgiving love. I realize how much anger I have been holding on to. I need your help continue to pull these things out of me and allow me to truly respond with love.

- These feelings were confirmed this morning at church. The pastor talked about the importance of being connected to You as well as to the people around me. Mark 12:29-31. You require us to love with all our heart, soul and strength; and others as ourselves. Both relationships have positive influence on each other. The more time we spend getting to know and experience your love and presence, the more we can share with other. And! The more fellowship we have with others, your presence is made even more evident. Matthew 18:19. The pastor identified believers as batteries charged by the Holy Spirit to bring life into situations, issues and people. I thought about my family and really had to ask myself some questions. What kind of relationships am I in? One that I am putting life into? One that I am receiving life from? Or one that is draining life from me? In thinking about it I wasn’t sure which relationship I identified with. I know, however, that I want to be the battery that brings life to my family in the middle of these situations. Instead of letting my emotions overpower me I want to rely on your Holy Spirit. I want to be a reflection of you. I know I can’t do this on my own so I just pray that you continue to exorcise the things that are not like you. Teach and Train me to love as you do.

~~

I apologized to my Aunt for my hysteria and I felt her forgiveness. I spent time listening for God and doing my best to make the best of each moment with them. I continued in my search. Though very little was happening in this particular area, I remained optimistic. I did not want to allow myself to be anxious and ultimately surrendered it all to God.

Things got better between my Alabama family and I was excited for a new and quite adventurous opportunity soon to come…

Huntsville, Alabama was amazing. In the car with my Aunt and Uncle I got to think, pray, and reflect on all that happened. I was excited to have the opportunity to get away to a new setting and for all the experiences I know I was being prepared to have. Once I was there, my excitement only increased.




Huntsville is such a flat city. Not a lot of tall buildings or trees. I didn't mind because from the car I was able to see the beauty of the sky. So much beauty. In most of the car rides my eyes searched the clouds during the day and admired the stars at night.









8-20-2010



Here, finally. I've had so much to think about and reflect on. A great deal has happened and I was asked "was it worth it?" God I want to say yes. For the opportunity to come to know you on a deeper, more intimate level it was absolutely worth it. It got to a point where I was on the verge of breaking in frustration because it felt like you weren't there. Looking back, I recall the question you asked me while I was still at camp. I was praying “God take me deeper, I want more of you,” then you asked me are you sure? Asking for more of you means that you could take me to levels I've never imagined and reveal so much to me and about me that I’ve never known. Are you really ready? I guess all of what happened was the challenge to see where my faith lies. Have I surrendered it all to you or am I still trying to do it all myself? I can say I am ready and I thank you for the lessons you have coming. I'm excited knowing that you are sovereign and I'm resting in your unexplainable peace. God I love you and I want so much more. I can feel you here with me and I'm ready to see your will be done. Each step I know you laid out and I pray that you keep my way right that I don't fall and my ankles do not turn.
~~

Immediately my days were busy. I was job searching, seeing the city, and getting to know my extended relatives. My cousins are much older than me and we never really had much conversation but in my time there I got to sit and really talk life with both of them, along with my aunt and uncle. The end of August through to September was full of lessons of apartment shopping, budgeting money, and career building. I met with people about my career choices, celebrated my 22nd birthday, salsa danced, saw the cotton fields, and went to an Alabama A&M football game. I enjoyed late night talks, movies and lots of laughter :O)



9-2-2010



Yesterday was my birthday! I am now 22 years old and I have so much to be grateful for. Being here in Alabama I am learning so much. You are setting things in motion and making your will clear day by day. God I trust you and I love you so much! I'm excited because of the favor you have shown. I was able to have an awesome meeting with a woman in the PR field. She dropped some knowledge lol and even some contacts. Thanks for setting that up! Also my cousin was kind enough to set up another meeting concerning my career with another woman in the field. You are awesome! I trust you no matter where these doors lead and I know you have my best interest in mind.


~~


In Huntsville I also had a lot of down time. In that time I prayed. I prayed for my family and for my future. I was excited about what was happening. My new excitement was soon met with the return of some old and enervating feelings that were all too familiar...to be continued...

This is the Post Graduate Series. I have decided to try something new for a while. It is now November and we are about to celebrate Thanksgiving. I graduated six months ago and so much has happened. I have so much to be grateful for. I have seen God working and moving in my life and in the lives of my family members and friends. There is so much I want to share. I want to update you and keep you updated. I will share some journal entries and the lessons I have learned. *disclaimer: there are pieces of this story I have chosen not to reveal, at least not yet* I will still post some of my random thoughts and conversations but this series will be one that continues throughout. Think of it as me documenting this stage of my life. That's how I see it.




So I'll start in August...



I came home (Richmond) August 15 2010 from another GREAT summer at Summer's Best Two Weeks CitiKidz. In that month (July 8- Aug 15) God definitely pruned me and taught me so much about his love, patience, and trusting Him. I was able to learn at camp and in the days immediately following what it meant to allow God to Satisfy Himself at my expense. Before and off and on during camp I arranged with my mom and dad a trip to visit my aunt and her family in Huntsville, Alabama. There, I would spend time with them, job search a bit, and maybe do some networking.



8-12-2010 Journal Entry

Well its Thursday of the last week of camp. What have I learned? I guess I realized that I'm soaking in more than I thought. Before camp I felt dry and complacent. However, after seeing how God has used me I realize that He's been working all along. In speaking about Him, connections are made that I never knew were there before. Ministering to these girls has shed light on both my weaknesses and my strengths. There were great weeks and then there were times were I encountered great resistance. In different ways the girls acted out and God revealed to me how similar our behavior can often be towards Him. That realization definitely opened my eyes and allowed me to gain a better understanding of the level of compassion and grace God has and gives to us daily.

My assertiveness (something I once viewed as a negative aspect) has become somewhat of a tool in this walk and during this experience more than I thought. God identified for me ways to use it; the appropriate time and the intensity. I was able to speak to the young girls in love and encouragement but also firmly when necessary. I can now see its value growing in me. I also learned the importance of waiting and loving God->not wishing my time away but lingering in it with Him; eager to hear and understand what I need to learn. I have no idea what to expect when I get back home but I know I'm ready for your will to be done in my life. It's the same enemy at home and the same God that has been here with me these five weeks. I’m taking the discipline, zeal, accountability and purpose home too.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The same warfare...Continue to pray that He moves and it's not by my own strength but His.



The day after my arrival home there was a disagreement with my parents regarding my future...my life plans both immediate and future



8-15-10

Had a feeling it would be this way. I was asking myself how will I explain what I've learned to them and what I expect. God, I hate it here so much sometimes. I am trying, God, to be patient but I have no idea what's going on. She says that what I am saying when I'm trying to talk about what you have shown me is all gibberish. I have an idea of my future and they don't agree and now I'm being shunned and ridiculed. What is this? I am begging you to make your presence known in this situation. That your will be done. I realize that I can't make sense of this and I will not dumb anything down. I pray you will be glorified. I surrender my heart, my mind, my future and my family to you understanding that the power to change hearts and move mountains lies in your hands and not my own. I rely wholly on you. You are sovereign. You are active. I know that through this I will come to know you more and I thank you for that. Mark 5:28-29, 2 Samuel 13:12-13, James 1:2-4.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”





Our disagreement escalated. I found myself frustrated with my family, my own actions, and all of the confusion. Still I was preparing to leave for Alabama on the 18th. Our focus almost immediately shifted to getting my younger brother to college and me to Alabama, just as we planned.



I was packed and on my way to Alabama August 18th 2010...to be continued...