This is the continuation of the Post Grad Series. Just as a prologue to this section, my mother has been battle cancer for the past seven years. It began as breast cancer and over time has metastasized to her brain. At this particular time during this section she has been through chemotherapy and radiation on numerous occasions. In the midst of the chemo and radiation she also underwent surgery. There have been seizures and moments where she has become ill to the point of debilitation. Though this entire situation has been difficult for her and our family, God has kept her and he continues to heal her every day.


Little things were starting to irk me. I was noticing comments that seem to insinuate that I was sent to Alabama to be taught how to be a real “grown up.” Comments such as “you get it now, that how you should be thinking.” I felt that there were lingering feeling concerning my disagreement and a consensus among my family member to help set things straight. Maybe I was paranoid. I knew that there was never any real closure in that disagreement and I was becoming annoyed.

9/12/10

It was made clear to my (all that you had been saying all along) when I got into it with my Aunt about my Mom and all the drama that had occurred before I left. She talked about how I’ve changed and how I am self-centered, immature and focused more so, on my friends than family. She also expressed to me that she doesn’t think really I understand what cancer is or the magnitude the effects this disease carries. I was infuriated by her comments, and as the argument increased and quickly found myself overtaken by my emotions. All at once I was disappointed, angry, confused, and hurt. In my words, my emotion poured out accompanied by burning tears and attempts to catch my breath. I felt that in my hysteria I wasn’t being heard. Wait…Correction. Not that I wasn’t being heard but it felt as though my Aunt wasn’t really listening to me let alone understanding all that I was saying. In the midst of my frustration in trying to be understood, I heard your voice. It was tender and still very firm and clear. I heard your voice in the middle of my shouting: “How else am I going to respond when my mother is calling me names, belittling, and isolating me?!” You said softly, “With love.” “How can I communicate with you or with her when all I’m getting is cutting words and ridicule?” Again you said, “Amanda, with love.” I heard you but so much of me want to continue in my anger. Thinking about what you said and in the middle of my reading Hosea, where I see how even though your people rejected you, you met them with gentle and forgiving love. I realize how much anger I have been holding on to. I need your help continue to pull these things out of me and allow me to truly respond with love.

- These feelings were confirmed this morning at church. The pastor talked about the importance of being connected to You as well as to the people around me. Mark 12:29-31. You require us to love with all our heart, soul and strength; and others as ourselves. Both relationships have positive influence on each other. The more time we spend getting to know and experience your love and presence, the more we can share with other. And! The more fellowship we have with others, your presence is made even more evident. Matthew 18:19. The pastor identified believers as batteries charged by the Holy Spirit to bring life into situations, issues and people. I thought about my family and really had to ask myself some questions. What kind of relationships am I in? One that I am putting life into? One that I am receiving life from? Or one that is draining life from me? In thinking about it I wasn’t sure which relationship I identified with. I know, however, that I want to be the battery that brings life to my family in the middle of these situations. Instead of letting my emotions overpower me I want to rely on your Holy Spirit. I want to be a reflection of you. I know I can’t do this on my own so I just pray that you continue to exorcise the things that are not like you. Teach and Train me to love as you do.

~~

I apologized to my Aunt for my hysteria and I felt her forgiveness. I spent time listening for God and doing my best to make the best of each moment with them. I continued in my search. Though very little was happening in this particular area, I remained optimistic. I did not want to allow myself to be anxious and ultimately surrendered it all to God.

Things got better between my Alabama family and I was excited for a new and quite adventurous opportunity soon to come…

God’s Chisel « Videos « The Skit Guys

The Movement is the dance ministry I was apart of within DURAG Ministries on JMU's campus. DURAG is an acronym for Divine Unity Righteously Apply God. I love love this particular dance because its so honest and true. I'm in the skirt. :) If you want to know more about DURAG check them out at http://www.duragministries.org/, check their channel on YouTube at DURAGJMU, or like them on facebook! The song is "All I have to Give" by Mali Music (he's great check him out too!)



It takes a while to start so you can just click to start watching at about 2:18

Wow...Before it was like a cycle with him
He'd be here one minute then gone the next
I never knew what to expect...well...I didn't want to expect it
But this time...it's been different.
He's been sharing his heart and I'm learning to trust him
And...now my concern isn't for his actions
...It’s for hers
She's feeling him and
I'm not sure how to handle this
But I guess I'll be remiss if I ignore it
Like she doesn't exist
"She" ...now I'm talking to you
I went to the Lord for you
I let Him know how my heart hurt at
How you seemed to be confused and without a clue
Of the danger recklessly approaching you
...And then He reminded me
Just of how I used to be...
Now listen closely cuz this is what He told me...
Don’t awaken love until its good and ready …wait until it’s supposed to be
Cuz you'll end up bruised emotionally
And spiritually you're supposed to be pursuing God wholeheartedly
Not looking over your shoulder like, "Is this him? Is he coming after me?"
*sigh* Trust me...this is not a territorial battle
But I been in these trenches before
And please take heed to the Lord before you continue to open the door to your heart..
Please guard it …it’s like a garden
Beautiful and inviting but be aware of who or what your invite in
And make sure its set on the right things...
Things eternal and not solely on the yearns of this world
Cuz girl...they'll catch you
Chew you up, swallow, and then reject you
Leaving you reeking of bitterness and anger
When the whole time you could have been pleasingly fragrant and remained pure
In His love...the only one that's worth any pain
The only one we're all seeking to gain
Nothing else compares...so there
I said it, I got it off my chest…
I'll leave you with some encouragement and I'll let God handle the rest
Seek first His kingdom and all other things will be added
Hang that banner of love around your neck and don't take it for granted
Know that you're in my prayers and I don't take this lightly
Focus on your walk with Christ
And don't worry about whom that "he" might be...

                                                                                                                               
Song of Solomon 2:7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Colossians 3:2 Set your mind on the things above, not on the things of earth & Deuteronomy 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

2 Corinthians 2:15-16 For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life. And who is equal to such a task?

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Song of Solomon 2:4 He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love

♥

This song is currently in HEAVY rotation. It's on my playlist and I find it very encouraging.
 These are the lyrics

You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too

♥

Huntsville, Alabama was amazing. In the car with my Aunt and Uncle I got to think, pray, and reflect on all that happened. I was excited to have the opportunity to get away to a new setting and for all the experiences I know I was being prepared to have. Once I was there, my excitement only increased.




Huntsville is such a flat city. Not a lot of tall buildings or trees. I didn't mind because from the car I was able to see the beauty of the sky. So much beauty. In most of the car rides my eyes searched the clouds during the day and admired the stars at night.









8-20-2010



Here, finally. I've had so much to think about and reflect on. A great deal has happened and I was asked "was it worth it?" God I want to say yes. For the opportunity to come to know you on a deeper, more intimate level it was absolutely worth it. It got to a point where I was on the verge of breaking in frustration because it felt like you weren't there. Looking back, I recall the question you asked me while I was still at camp. I was praying “God take me deeper, I want more of you,” then you asked me are you sure? Asking for more of you means that you could take me to levels I've never imagined and reveal so much to me and about me that I’ve never known. Are you really ready? I guess all of what happened was the challenge to see where my faith lies. Have I surrendered it all to you or am I still trying to do it all myself? I can say I am ready and I thank you for the lessons you have coming. I'm excited knowing that you are sovereign and I'm resting in your unexplainable peace. God I love you and I want so much more. I can feel you here with me and I'm ready to see your will be done. Each step I know you laid out and I pray that you keep my way right that I don't fall and my ankles do not turn.
~~

Immediately my days were busy. I was job searching, seeing the city, and getting to know my extended relatives. My cousins are much older than me and we never really had much conversation but in my time there I got to sit and really talk life with both of them, along with my aunt and uncle. The end of August through to September was full of lessons of apartment shopping, budgeting money, and career building. I met with people about my career choices, celebrated my 22nd birthday, salsa danced, saw the cotton fields, and went to an Alabama A&M football game. I enjoyed late night talks, movies and lots of laughter :O)



9-2-2010



Yesterday was my birthday! I am now 22 years old and I have so much to be grateful for. Being here in Alabama I am learning so much. You are setting things in motion and making your will clear day by day. God I trust you and I love you so much! I'm excited because of the favor you have shown. I was able to have an awesome meeting with a woman in the PR field. She dropped some knowledge lol and even some contacts. Thanks for setting that up! Also my cousin was kind enough to set up another meeting concerning my career with another woman in the field. You are awesome! I trust you no matter where these doors lead and I know you have my best interest in mind.


~~


In Huntsville I also had a lot of down time. In that time I prayed. I prayed for my family and for my future. I was excited about what was happening. My new excitement was soon met with the return of some old and enervating feelings that were all too familiar...to be continued...

“And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." Acts 20: 22-24

This morning I read this chapter and was immediately comforted by this scripture. In this new stage/chapter/season (whatever you want to call it) I have had so many emotions. In some moments, I feel anxious about what's happening and what's going to happen. The infamous questions of "so what are you going to do now?" (yes I'm still getting that one) or "what's next?" and my attempts to explain my "plans" all tend to weigh heavy on me. I'm here and there with my ideas all the while thinking...ugh I don't know and I'm OK with that. At night I think about all the things that seem to be so important. Things I think I need to take care of or consider...securing a full time job, paying back these loans, car? apartment? *shrug* Its so much... I was asked today in one of my attempts to explain the position I'm in, "what are you passionate about?" Can I tell you? I thought. Will really you understand that the cares of this world me nothing to me in comparison to knowing God and living/serving/dying for Him? You want to know what I want to do? I want to Glorify God with my whole life. I desire to see people come to know Him. I want to help build up the kingdom. I want to "finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me." Even if it means me not having what I think I need. To many people it may sound crazy but this is the one accomplishment I know that I will find true satisfaction in. It is where I want to place my energy, it's my true motivation. God I trust you. I'm just ready to get busy for you and with you.

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4